I'm fucking tired of supporting you.

I do NOT want this kind of life.

I can honestly say that things were better if you didn't show up.

deja vu

A good thing about no one knowing this blog is that I can post anything I want.

It's been a long time since I used this. I thought that there was nothing secretive and deep that I need to express out.

Well, as you know, I'm in form 4 and it's my first year in Cempaka. It started out really nice. Like seriously, like heaven on earth. I made friends with different races, different backgrounds, different personalities..Kind of a "once in a lifetime" for me..? I guess so. It was really fun. I had no enemies and no one that I'd like to beat the crap outta them.

But I missed 2 months of classes for the school production. It kinda made me drift away from the bond of 4 Science 2. It was a good experience for me to join the production, and I made friends from Damansara, CILC and Cheras International. My violin improved a HELL LOT and I had the time of my life there. After the performances, it was the 2nd semester of the year.

There was a new student in class on the first day of the new semester. She sat behind us and we made friends with her. Quickly, she became part of our gang. It was awesome. She was from a government school, like me, so we kinda get to compare schools and school rules. She was one of my best friends in school. My "gang" consist of 4 girls.

During finals, 1 of the girls in my "gang" drifted apart from us. I thought it was because we were too busy studying, so we didn't talk much to her. But even after finals, she neglected to hang out with us anymore. She didn't hate us, but we just don't go for breaks together and gossip together. We didn't even get to do the stuff that we discussed before finals, like going for baking classes, going shopping etc. Of course, we didn't get to do ANY of the stuff because she kinda forgotten about us.

But we still treat her as our friend. The question is, Is she treating us as HER friend?

And there's another girl. She's been hating my new friend since the week she transferred here. At first it was just an misunderstanding, but she held on to the grudge till today. But it's like, seriously, we've been with my friend the whole time in school, and she did NOTHING to her. Alright, WE did nothing to her, too. Now it's like our once "so-called" friends hate us because of her.

I know she's my friend, but I came to Cempaka to avoid all these from my previous school. I came here to start a new school life which doesn't involve all this. Is it worth it to protect my friend and being hated by all?

Ugh...There's something wrong with my mind..

Is there something wrong with my mind, or is it you? I just can't help thinking, why are you acting so...weird in front of all males?

You've been complaining that, that boy keeps bothering you and wants to meet you. You kept saying he's disgusting and irritating and annoying, and you wish you have never met him. You've said that he keeps expressing his feelings towards you and wants you to be his girlfriend. Conclusion of what you've told me: You hate him.

But, every move of yours in front of him only encourages him make the moves on you. You're being flirty around him, smiling unnecessary towards him, and your voice changes. It suddenly becomes very very girlish. The way you stand, talk, walk is totally different.

I've told you many times, if you don't want to meet him, JUST DON'T. No matter what he says, just tell him No. Is that so difficult? It's just a syllable, two alphabets. If he insists that you meet him, you insist that you don't meet him. That's all. Simple as that. But nooooooo, you seemed to enjoy that there's someone bothering you, even though you already have a boyfriend.

It's not only him. Some schoolmate also treat you like that, and you seemed to encourage them to do so. If they get mushy in SMS, just tell them you're already taken. You hate it when your boyfriend texts other girls. How do you think your boyfriend feels if he knew you're texting with other boyS?

Can you just, cut it out? I'm not sure you're being proud of yourself that you're attractive, or you're proving to me that there's more than one person that wants you to be theirs. If you're trying to make me jealous by showing me you have many admirers and I don't, then you can stop. You may not believe that I'm not jealous, but it's the truth. I'm saying all this because what you're doing is SICK.

I'm sorry that I've treated you badly last time. But if this is the revenge I get, I'd rather you stab a knife into me, because what you're doing now is just rotting your image. In front of my friends, only male friends, you looked like you knew me since I was born and act innocent and flirty. Same thing, your voice changes and your actions are exaggerating. What the heck are you doing? You already have a guy, isn't that enough?

Please stop this now. I don't want other people to call you a biatch. That's all, nuff said.

Lee Hom in my dream, again..

As everybody who knows me know, I'm obsessed with Wang Lee Hom. I don't know why. I've been liking his songs since I was like, 11 years old. It was the first time I really heard him sing and also the first time I saw his MV. It was the song, Forever Love. The next song that I liked from him was Kiss Goodbye, in 2006.

But in September 2007, I saw an interview about him. He had released a new album, Change Me. Then in that interview, he sang and he smiled and he expressed his thoughts about mother nature, about being environmental friendly. As he talked and he laugh and teased by the host, I noticed, "Hey, now there's a guy that I can like/love without hurting myself!"

After that, I just can't stop looking songs about him through the internet. Wikipedia, YouTube, Google..you name it! Then I found the Kiss Goodbye MV. In that MV, you won't believe how many kiss scenes he had with the girl. Everything is kiss, kiss, kiss. And I envy that girl. Not that I want to be kissed by Lee Hom. He's too old for me, so it would be very very weird. But I envy that girl that she kissed a God. A handsome, talented GOD. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating but, that's how I see Lee Hom as. So, this adds another mark to "Lovin' Lee Hom".

Later, I found the MV of Finally. This song is more like a movie. And THIS is the first MV that made me cry. Not because it's Lee Hom, but the story, the story that made Lee Hom so irresistible. The story is about a couple, Lee Hom and a girl, Nirace. Lee Hom is a street fighter and Nirace's parents object them being together. So one day, the big match for Lee Hom, Nirace runs away to see Lee Hom. But Lee Hom doesn't know this. So he went to into the match ring, unable to focus. That time, Nirace had an accident, which caused her car to topple over and at the same time, due to his carelessness, Lee Hom was beaten down by his rival. They both were sent to the hospital.

After few weeks/months, turns out that Lee Hom only have a short time to live, and Nirace is blind because of the accident. Both of them doesn't know what happened to each other. So one day, Lee Hom decided to visit his old friends, trying to forget the fact that he's going to die soon. Coincidentally, Nirace asked Alan, who was involved with the accident and now taking care of her, to bring her to the same friends' house. So, in the friends' house, Lee Hom saw Nirace, but Nirace doesn't notice the existence of Lee Hom there. Alan passed a photo with Lee Hom and Nirace to him, but Lee Hom just threw it on the table. Alan became furious and thought that Lee Hom doesn't want Nirace anymore because she's blind. But all Lee Hom said was, "What hurts me the most, is that I couldn't keep my promise".

Later that night, Lee Hom went into Nirace's room while she's asleep. He took her by the hand and sat beside her the whole night, thinking of the beautiful memories he had with her. His promise to Nirace was revealed, that he would never leave her and love her for eternity. But he couldn't fulfill this because he's going to die. As the sun rise, Lee Hom left immediately without waking Nirace up. But Nirace woke up seconds after he left the room, and knew it was him that held her hand last night. Nirace struggles to find her way out and stop Lee Hom from leaving, but she was too late. Lee Hom knew she was there but he didn't want to look back at her, because that would only made it harder for him to leave. Nirace was all left alone on the porch, lost and crying.

Months later, Nirace managed to get her sight back. Someone donated eyes (a part of the eye) for her, and she took the keys that was left in her room by Lee Hom to open his locker. When she did that, she found a bouquet of flowers with two rings and a letter. It was then she found out that the donor was Lee Hom, and the letter says "I will forever be with you. I love you", and the two rings were the rings that Lee Hom was going to use to propose to her.



This was the MV that made me go crazy with him. How can someone, SOMEONE that amazing, be so handsome and talented and nice and kind? He is indeed a fairytale.

So since then, I had dreams about Lee Hom. My first was that he performed the violin with me in school. After that, I only got a couple of dreams about him. But yesterday, during my exam, I slept after I finished my paper. I think it was English paper 1. And I dreamed about him. He was watching a movie with me. I don't know what movie is that, but it had a MV of Descendants of Dragons by Lee Hom. Then later that night, I dreamed about him, AGAIN. This time, he was having a concert and the orchestra were there to play. Talk about luck! And he chose me to play the solo for Falling Leaves Return to Its Roots. There's more, he even taught me how to play the difficult parts. Oh my god, talk about a great dream!

I don't know, but I think that might be a signal. Because today, after my dream of Lee Hom, teacher Lily called and told me I got distinction in my violin exam! OH MY GAWD! Now she'd have to buy the awesome shoulder rest for me. HAHA

My first inner thought on internet

As you all know, this is my first post in this second blog. Why do I use this new blog？Because my parents know my first blog and my dad will constantly be snooping around my blog. So what can I type in that blog? Only parent-rated stuff. So I'm starting this new one, only you and I will know. Shhh....

I told many of my friends before, I don't want to like like anyone.Why? Because love stinks. That's how I view it. Don't think that I'm someone who was dumped by a guy or something like that. No, I'm not one of those girls. For the hundredth time, I have never dated. Never! Why? Don't ask me why, I just don't!

But now, my best friends either had or has a boyfriend. Yeah, all of them. I don't know about Emily, but my best friends in Malaysia, yeah, they are not single anymore. So I'm somewhat of a black sheep, isn't it? I told people that I didn't care before, but last week, for four straight days, I've been the electric bulb in tuition. My best friend asked me to join the fourth class of PMR seminar, the class that her boyfriend is joining that class.

And the funny thing about her boyfriend is, I was really good friends with her sister last year. We camped together in Saxon for the musical, and I never thought that her brother will be my best friend's boyfriend. So although I've seen him a few times in Saxon, we never talked much. Maybe this was because we had some misunderstanding few months ago, where he was angry at me, and I was afraid of him. So it was pretty awkward that he is sitting two seats next to me.

That's not the most awkward thing. Have you heard that "Three is a company"? I felt like I'm the third shoe hanging around there. Wait, correction. I AM the third shoe hanging around there. My best friend's boyfriend looked like he wants to talk to her badly but because of me, he's embarrassed. And when they talked, it's like...Ewwwww....I wish I wasn't there. Maybe it was sweet, but it somehow made me uncomfortable.

Then later I found out that another of my best friend dated. But they're now over. It was a jaw dropper. No one would thought that she would date him. I mean, they rarely speak face to face! But still I'm happy for her. Congrats but now, sorry to hear the news.

And another best friend of mine, who was hurt by a jerk last year, is now back to the dating business! Actually it was quite a long time ago. They make a cute couple. Really. Both of them are really great person. He cares about her and she cares about him. That's all it really matters, right?

But then, I don't understand. When I pinched my best friend (the first on mentioned), her boyfriend seemed like I pinched him. Oh COME ON! It's just a little pinch. That makes your heart broke? I don't understand the boyfriends who make a fuss over a little thing of the girlfriends. Are you for real, or are you just pretending because you're her boyfriend? It's really fraud, ok? And SICK! You act like you care a lot about her and in the end, you break her heart. Give us a break, will ya? Piss off!